How to give feedback that doesn’t suck
A positive mindset is essential when approaching difficult feedback. There are several valid reasons why this is the case.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Spindle neurons and mirror neurons in our brains enable us to detect the emotions of others. In turn, we feel the same emotions as the people around us as emotions can be contagious. In addition, as part of our evolutionary survival instinct, we have developed a negativity bias, which means we are constantly on guard. As a result, feeling angry, nervous, defensive, or frustrated when providing difficult feedback will exacerbate an already challenging situation.
This is why you’re not hearing what’s being said
When we feel threatened or attacked, our limbic system, which is the emotional part of our brain, shifts into survival mode and our listening skills are negatively affected. Because the brain is focused on surviving, it is not uncommon to not remember everything that was said. Acknowledging the person’s feelings in the moment lowers anxiety and enables them to feel more mentally and emotionally present.
When we are presented with a threatening or terrifying situation, our perception alters, and we may see the person’s message and intentions as far more negative.
Feedback and delivery should convey to the individual your interest and commitment to their success. It is important that they leave feeling supported and the sense that they are “in this together.”
It is a good opportunity to coach and stretch the person’s thinking when you provide feedback. It also makes delivering a difficult message easier.
How to be a feedback ninja
You can get their perspective by asking them questions like, “What do you think you did well?” “In hindsight what would you do differently?” “On a scale of one to ten, how would you score yourself?”
If the feedback is related to a problem with relationships, a question like, “If you swapped places with x, how do you think you would feel? What would you think?”
Whenever possible, avoid asking “Why” as it can be perceived as an attack. Do more asking and less telling.
Since we tend to view things from an egocentric perspective, stepping out of our own reality and into someone else’s enables us to see things differently.
Using questions removes a great deal of pressure from you because you are guiding the person to ostensibly provide feedback to themselves.
Rather than waiting until the quarterly feedback session, giving feedback in the moment is both more effective and relieves the pressure of storing things for that dreaded session. Regularly communicate with your employees so as to avoid surprises.